


Leave A Scar

by Gaybrand



Series: one offs/short stories [14]
Category: Everyman HYBRID
Genre: Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 09:54:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17547452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gaybrand/pseuds/Gaybrand
Summary: [I'm well aware I'm a Danger to my selfAre you aware I'm a danger to others?There's a crack in my soulYou thought it was a smileWhatever doesn't kill you...It's gonna leave a scar]Evan is fine. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. As far as he's concerned he doesnt need help with anything that's wrong with him. Despite how outgoing and friendly he is, he refuses to show some aspects of his life, not liking the vulnerability.This works for him until one night it's too hard and one night he drowns it all, and goes to seek comfort in the arms of people who never knew the skeletons he kept in his closet.





	Leave A Scar

**Author's Note:**

> I was a little nervous about posting this but ive worked on it for too long and too hard to just abandon it so here we go.
> 
> As the warnings say there is rape in this fic However, it's not at all graphic (it cuts off right before and discusses it later on but not in detail, just enough to get across what happened. I wouldn't want to write a scene like that anyway and I wouldn't find something graphic to be respectful to what I'm trying to say about the topic. It's not meant for shock value at all) that said please be careful, I tried to be realistic in my depiction.
> 
> It's set in a sort of before EMH au (yeah they're all dating but that's about as blatently canon divergent as I'm getting here) bc after Fairmount and Princeton I highly doubt the universe would just let them have a good time. I might do something similar for vinny, jeff, and steph but I do not know for sure I have like three projects already. All feedback and comments are welcome and appreciated!!!

Evan stumbled forward heading to what he figured out later was vinnys house, Head cloudy and steps uncertain. He'd gone out for a walk and managed to wander a few blocks, his body instinctively taking him to his friends even when inhibited. He knew his way up to the front door and yet kept tripping over the grass.

When he walked inside the house, he stood confused for a moment, he was sure he was trying to go home, and this definitely wasn't his house. Jeff was here however, he could clear things up.

“jeff..hey” Evan mumbled, the words coming out mushed together. 

“evan? Hey man...uh..wait are you, drunk?” Jeff grabbed Evans shoulder and tried to get him to look at him. Concern evident in his expression. 

“hmm..i don't...i don't know…” Evan mumbled, he swayed while standing, his whole body was shivering and he was more than a little disoriented. This reminded him of something, but he didn't know exactly what yet. 

“i'm..i gotta find...vin he'll help ok just  
...just stay put.” Jeff mumbled looking him up and down with worry evident in his eyes.

Evans head started to hurt he leaned against the wall, hiding his face in his hands while memories he'd long since tried to shove away kept surfacing. 

[“I'll see you later baby,” his mother planted a kiss on his head.

“mama I don't want you to go…”

“I'm sorry baby, I gotta go to work. Daddy's here with you and he'll take you to school alright? I love you.”

“i love you too mama.” Evan sniffed and watched her leave out the front door. The last wall protecting him from the man in the house gone. 

“why aren't you dressed.” the seemingly huge figure of his father barked making Evan flinch and attempt to move out of direct grabbing distance.

“I was..i was just saying bye to mama.” 

“I don't care. Get dressed or you'll get spanked.” he demanded and Evan scampered off to his room.

Eva was curled into her blanket on the top bunk of their bed. She was sick, and mama had told dad that she couldn't go to school. Evan sort of wished she could, when she was with Evan and dad he usually wasn't quite as harsh. He hoped it would be a quick ride, as he got dressed and gathered up his backpack even putting his stuffed lion in with his papers just in case school or Dad was too scary. He didn't usually bring him out, but it was nice to have him there anyway. If he needed a friend his lion was right there all day. 

“c'mon. I don't have all day.” dad muttered, making a point to slam both the front door and the car door when they got there. Evan managing not to say anything despite the overwhelming need to talk about everything. He drove off not waiting for evan to buckle himself, leaving him to struggle to do it for a moment and not let go of the belt the whole ride to school. 

Evan could smell something lingering on his father, he seemed to smell like it alot. He'd been drinking the juice that Evan wasn't allowed to touch (Eva had said it was called ‘booze’), which always made his dad meaner and louder and sometimes he'd yell at his mama, he was more likely to spank Evan or Eva. Evan didn't think he liked the juice, and stayed as quiet as possible and tried not to fidget too much. ]

[The car, a different car, he was driving this one. Nervously and not just from the road. He was twenty something and going to a party with his girlfriend and, despite having asked not to go, here he was, driving. 

“Don't be fucking weird here evan.” Jane snipped at him the second he parked, and he tried to prepare himself for whatever she was going to complain about now.

“what do ya mean?”

“you know what I mean,” she rolled her eyes, “don't be all twitchy just have some drinks and talk normally.” 

“I don't drink.” Evan stated as firm as he could. Upset shed even suggest it since she knew he didn't. “I'm driving anyway so why would I be drinking.” 

“well you're going to tonight.” she glared at him out of the corner of her eye while looking over her makeup in the car mirror. “you can still drive with a couple of drinks in you . It'll probably make other people actually like you for once.” she shrugged as if her statement meant nothing to her, and closed the mirror. 

“I don't want to be liked I just wanna be fuckin safe.” Evan muttered, flinching when she slapped his arm, she always hit hard. 

“god loosen up a little. I'm tired of you not coming or ruining everything when you do. Just act normal jeez. No wonder I'm the only one that wants to be around you.” she huffed getting out of the car. 

Evan sighed, rubbing the spot on his arm that she'd hit. He didn't have a choice in the matter, but hoped she'd drop the whole thing with him drinking.]

“Evan what's up man whats wrong…” vinny seemed to appear right in front of him, sounding just as concerned as Jeff had.

“I don't feel…..good.”

“you….sorta smell like you've been drinking,” vinny suggested tentatively. “Evan, why are you doing that you hate alcohol?”

“i..fuck….why…” Evan couldn't breathe. He couldn't think straight, even around friends he couldn't stop shaking. Why did he did this, why did he do this to himself. “I d-don't know…”

Vinny guided and sat him down on the couch and wrapped his arms around Evan. He didn't move letting vinny hold him and thinking about the memories that kept nagging the back of his mind. Begging him to remember the whole thing.

[There was a cup in his hand and too many people surrounding him. He couldn't find Jane anywhere and all the unfamiliar faces with the music was overwhelming. Shed disappeared after handing him the plastic cup that he didn't dare drink out of. 

He found her by the table stacked with snacks and alcohol, notably a large bowl of defiantly spiked punch. The sigh of relief that escaped him upon finding a familiar face, a safe spot, was both shameful and forgotten once he wiggled his way through a handful of guests over to her.

“jane..hun can...can we please go..” He held onto her arm and she looked back at him rolling her eyes.

“why we're having a good time.” 

“i'm..i'm not it's too much please…” 

“just drink this you'll feel better .” she shoved the cup more into his hand and he realized he was shaking. 

“can't I just go to the car..” He was begging at this point. 

“no, drink.” she hissed punching him In the side as hard as possible. “or you can go home alone tonight.” when she threatened, he knew there was nothing else left but her ultimatum. Do it, or suffer the consequences. 

So He did, it tasted awful and he felt horrible for doing it, but he did. Shame crept into his thoughts both that he's broken his own morals and that it didn't seem to have been a big deal in the first place. Still it was one drink, maybe that wasn't so bad, he could feel the now worsened fear in his gut, but maybe he could just nurse this one cup for another hour or two and it would be like he hadn't had a drink at all. 

Unfortunately, a side effect of trying to cling to Jane for any sort of comfort led her to give him more, and he drank it unwilling to put up a huge fight when he was already so drained. 

“sit here and stop following me.” she muttered at one point shoving him on the couch. “be normal.” she disappeared in the crowd and Evan sat on the couch alone, aside from the people on the other end making out. He tried to just sit and relax but found it nearly impossible. 

He was dizzy, he didn't know how much Jane had given him but he realized he was drunk, and the realization made him feel so much worse. He could hardly breathe and he was scared. Being inhibited against his will and not in a safe environment made him feel vulnerable and he needed someone, anyone to watch him, to hold him. 

When he found Jane again she was leaning against some guy and giggling. 

“jane..”

“uh who's this” the guy scoffed and Jane giggled again.

“uhg i guess that's my boyfriend but like...don't worry about him.” Jane attempted to distract the man.

Evan couldn't quite process what she'd said, but felt bad anyway. Something telling him that this wasn't right, she was being mean to him. 

“hey I didn't know you had a boyfriend.”

“he's not gonna do anything about this, let's just have some fun.” 

“uh...i don't know I don't think so.” the guy shifted away, uncomfortable. “I gotta go anyway.” he pushed her off him gently and wandered off giving Evan a sympathetic look when he passed.

“what...what were you doing…” Evan mumbled, hurt somehow and not incredibly sure why. Something to do with her trying to get this other man to do something, but couldn't quite think of what it was. 

“goddammit Evan you stupid fuck.” she hissed ignoring him and stomping off. He followed her but from about a foot away, scared. 

“what…”

“I hate you. You fuck everything up all the time.” 

“i'm..I'm sorry.” Evan hung his head and flinched when she gripped his arm.

“well since I can't have a good time with him I might as well get something fucking useful out of you.”

“what d-do you m-mean…”.

“you're gonna take me home and then you're gonna make it up to me in bed.”

“i..i don't...really want to...i'm..my head hurts and i'm..i'm drunk”

“you owe me for ruining my good time.”

“but..but I really… i don't think I can…” 

“well I think you can and you're going to”

“please?”

“look I'm the only person in the fucking world that has the energy to put up with your bullshit and if you want me to stick around you have to make it worth my whole or I'll just leave and you'll be alone. Probably forever. So you can make it up to me, or you can forget about us. ”

“.....alright.” 

He tried while on the way home to talk her out of it. As difficult as it was while trying to drive drunk, he tried so hard to get her to reconsider.

“y-you probably w-won't remember it w-we could..could try tomorrow please I really don't th-think it's a g-good idea,” he practically was begging her as they walked up to the door of his house.

“oh my god just be a fucking man and stop whining.” she snapped at him. “you like this shit, you always wanna fuck anyway. The only reason you wouldn't is If you have something to hide. If you don't do it, we're done. “

Evan didn't say anything, feeling cornered. With nothing else to say to defend himself he hung his head and followed her inside miserably. Dreading the rest of the night, with a nagging feeling in the back of his mind telling him this wasn't right. ]

[Something wasn't right. He'd been sitting on the side of the street in front of his school for who knew how long. He wondered if his dad had forgotten him, he wondered if he'd have to wait for his mama to get off work and that never happened until it was dark. He wished he knew what direction home was, then he could walk, but he didn't remember. 

Just as he was considering going back to see if he could play while he waited for someone to get him, his dad's car pulled into the parking lot and Evan jumped up glad to finally be leaving. 

“get in…” his father smelled even more strongly, and He wasn't speaking clearly. Evan did as he was told and tried to keep quiet and for about half or the ride he did but in the end could help but try and talk to his dad. Who else did he have to talk to.

“I don't think the teacher likes me.” He mumbled staring out the window, they seemed to be going faster than normal. “she never let's me go outside with everyone.” 

“who the fuck would like you.” His dad muttered suddenly. “stupid little brat.” Evan decided it would be better not to talk anymore. 

He kept swerving in the road and swearing and honking at other cars, Evan grabbed onto his seatbelt nervously. The car ride had to be over pretty soon. 

There was a loud screeching sound and Evan curled into a ball fearfully, shutting his eyes and waiting for it to be over.

The next thing he remembered was waking up. Everything was white and clean and he was in a bed with some kind of tube in his arm that made him upset to look at. He was sore and as he sat in the bed he grew scared. He was alone, the only thing he could think of was how terrifying the sounds of what must have been a crash had been. He was crying, crying for his mama and she wasn't here, she wasn't coming and he was alone. ]

“evan?” vinny's soft voice brought him back to the present and he was shaking, his breathing quick and shallow. He tried to force the other half of his memory of jane out of his mind but couldn't quite stop the feelings and shame. He tried then to stop remembering the sound of screeching tires on asphalt, or waking up alone in a clean white room, sterile, cold and unfeeling with a needle in his arm. 

“hey it's...it's gonna be ok, you're just a little drunk. You can sleep it off.” Jeff tried his best to provide sound logic but it didn't matter.He was overreacting but God damn did it hurt. Tears filled his eyes and with little inhibitions about exposing his weak point, he started crying. 

“evan whats...whats wrong…” vinny was looking directly into his eyes, and Evan sort of registered how vinny almost looked scared, but he hardly had time to even file the information away, he felt sick and as though he couldn't move. Paralyzed by fear and his bad associations with alcohol. 

“i'm..i'm just...i'm just as b-bad as m-my d-dad..” He was sobbing and arms around him felt undeserved. He didn't know if he made sense but he didn't care. 

“i...i don't think so Evan.” 

“y..you don't..you don't k-know”

“Maybe not but, you're a good person evan. We love you ok?” vinny kissed his head.

“i'm..i'm not...i'm doin just..just what he..d-did”

“look Evan I don't know what he was like but from how sad you are he probably wasn't great and you're a good person alright?” vinny said firmly but kindly. 

“yknow if the problem was that he like drank alot you don't do that ...this is one time y'know it's ok…” Jeff mumbled patting his shoulder. “You're not even hurting anyone but...but yourself.” 

“exactly, I don't know what he did but..”

“he..he'd hit me..” Evan interrupted him suddenly confessing. “..he'd get fucking dr-drunk and beat me an my sister…i was seven..i c..couldn't even..try a-and defend myself..” 

“oh...evan….” vinny's voice was so small and evan could guess what his expression looked like, though he didn't dare look up at it. 

“mama f-found out and she l-left him after...after he….got us...me in an accident...cus he was d-drunk…” 

“evan...what do..do you mean by accident?” 

“car...car accident…when...when he was drunk that time...he got...in an accident i was w-with him comin home from..from school and he g-got...we got...hit….i-i don't k-know everything that-that happened but..i woke up in the..hospital….alone for..for hours and hours. “

“is that, why you're so afraid of hospitals and cars?” jeff murmured petting his hair and evan felt shame in his chest at the idea that he was so scared of normal things. Shame that anyone knew, that these weren't just his private failures. 

“y-yeah…” 

“it's ok sweetheart, it's ok to be scared,” vinny pet his hair. Evan buried his face in vinny's shoulder, gripping his shirt and trying desperately to breathe normally but vinny's words only helped some. 

“is there something else?” vinny asked after a moment as he wasn't calming down. It took Evan a second to gather himself to speak, he knew they wouldn't let up until he told them so he gave in. 

“yknow...yknow...jane...she liked to go to p-parties and s-sometimes i had to go and one time...she..she made me..made me drink and..” Evan found himself going through some of the details of that night, still stopping before the real issue . Even being drunk and distressed wasn't going to make him outright say what Jane did or rather what he felt he'd let her do.

But maybe, vinny and Jeff were smarter than his clumsy drunken cover up. 

“oh…” Jeff looked very upset.

“I'm sorry evan…” vinny whispered, Evan could hear his voice catch in his throat and wished he'd never said anything.

“sorry..sorry I'll go-go home” Evan murmured, discomfort in his stomach. “it's no big deal…”

“I think you should just get some rest ev..you'll be much less out of it in the morning.” vinny suggested surprisingly calm, his one hand rubbing circles in Evans back.

“..o..ok” 

The two of them helped him stand and guided him to the smaller of the two bedrooms, Jeff grabbing several warm blankets while vinny helped get him comfortable

Vinny tucked the blankets around him, and even the most basic comfort seemed to help settle how upset he was. Vinny kissed his forehead and Jeff gave him a hug and Evan almost asked them to sleep here with him. Almost.

“goodnight hun, sweet dreams.” vinny murmured turning off the lights.

“love you..” Jeff added.

“i llove you too” evan sighed, feeling marginally calmer. The overall panic had subsided and now He was just lying in bed slowly drifting off to sleep. His dreams confusing and almost random, though still upsetting. 

He woke up with his mouth dry and possibly the second worst headache he'd had literally only short of an actual concussion. Sitting up was hell but he forced himself to anyway. He looked around taking in the abrasive sunlight, repressing how sick he felt and sighed resenting himself for getting Into this situation.

He knew damn well he'd have to come out of the bedroom eventually, but when he got close he just couldn't. He didn't want to face everything. He didn't want to be part of a world were vinny and Jeff knew things about him that he'd never even told his mother, so he just kept putting it off. There was nothing to do but sit and be miserable but it was better than talking to vinny or jeff. 

At some point he decided that instead of staying cooped up here, he would try and sneak out the front door and just text them later with some lie about having to go to work. Just the the thought made him feel like a coward, but in this sense he would rather run away than sit and have any sort of talk about what had gone on the night before. 

He opened the door careful not to make any sound, and crept down the hallway looking around for vinny or jeff. 

“I didn't know any of that stuff….” Evan could hear vinny murmur. He stopped, well hidden to listen in. Too curious not to despite the fact that he couldn't leave the house now.

“he never talks about it. He refuses. I mean I knew he didn't talk to his dad and that he was scared of hospitals. And I mean we've all been in a car with him but...shit” 

“right, I mean...we're dating him for fucks sake and we never even asked about…”

“well..why would anyone assume that kind of thing. Alot of people don't talk to their family I mean as far as we knew his dad just left one day. That's kinda how he made it seem. “

“I guess… but with jane…”

“look we all...we all kind of fucked up with her. It was pretty obvious she was hurting him and we just...let it happen. Figures that it was alot worse than we knew about. I don't understand why he even...well not...let her do it obviously but...he didn't even seem see that she was doing that all the time…he was so sad when she left him and I don't understand...” 

“I don't know he's too nice to people sometimes but...you're right we should've said something..at least after they'd broken up he probably needed someone…”

“and we just...didn't Do anything.” there was a pause, and the silence was full of regrets. Evan feeling more guilty than ever. Before Evan decided to leave and figure out something else from the safety of the room, vinny spoke up again.

“y'know...he didn't finish that last story from the party they were at but...but it sounds like she might've…”

“taken advantage of him?”

“...yeah.” 

“...right…i...It's sorta anyone's guess though...i don't think we'll find out for sure….since...well y'know...i mean I don't want to ask him”

“I don't want to either but I feel like...i should.”

“he probably won't tell us. Even if we do ask like…” Jeff clearly sighed and Evan imagined he probably waved his hands in some exhausted gesture. “I guess it makes sense that he wouldn't want to but ...i don't wanna….hurt him or something..”

“it's like he knows so much about...about us and he won't let anyone learn anything about him.” vinny sounded miserable, “I want him to just talk to us…”

“I really don't know if we should...try and pry about it..”

“saying nothing got us into this mess though.” 

Evan couldn't take anymore of this and slink back to the bedroom. The same feelings of disgust whenever he thought about it reared their heads. He never wanted anyone to know, and he was doing pretty well at keeping it hidden and now here he was all because he felt sad and decided ‘why not?’ on a bottle of vodka. Spilling his guts and looking like a pathetic mess in front of people he wanted to like and respect him. His father was one thing but Jane was something else entirely.the fact that they knew her,they probably still could get ahold of her if they tried hard enough. The fact that in theory they could confront her about it. 

There was the fact that he was ashamed of himself for it even happening.

She couldn't have made him do anything, he was stronger than her, even drunk he would have been fine. As far as he was concerned he didn't fight hard enough, there must have been a part of him that didn't care or wanted her to. Besides all that, it hardly counted, she was his girlfriend at the time.

It might trigger the same reactions, but he wasn't about to admit that she'd hurt him. 

“evan? Are you awake yet?” vinny's soft voice and softer knock interrupted his thoughts and he sighed, knowing he was cornered and that he might as well just try and get the whole ordeal over with. 

“yeah.”

Vinny walked in, followed by Jeff, the two of them clearly unsure of how to approach him after everything. 

“hey Ev, how uhm how are you feeling?”

“like shit mainly.” 

“oh I'm sorry hun how about-”

“look Vince I'm not...i'm fine don't try and be all sweet, I brought this shit on myself so I'm gonna deal with it. Don't...don't worry about anything I said last night it's not a big deal I exaggerate things. I'm fine.” 

He expected a sad but begrudging acceptance, however vinny seemed to almost square his shoulders as if he were grounding himself. 

“no, Evan.”

“what?”

“no. Look, people who are fine don't have panic attacks when they realize they're drunk.” 

“I didn't..”

“you did.” Jeff interrupted softly. 

“you didn't exaggerate anything, there's something wrong.” vinny was firm and Evan couldn't meet his eyes. 

“alright my dad ….was kind of a dick but whatever man i haven't seen or heard from him since I was fuckin seven.” evan shrugged, “it's not all that uncommon, and it's not somethin to get worked up about.”

“ok...well you're wrong about that but that's not the only thing…” Jeff was clearly trying to be patient but it was also clearly hard.

“ok uh I don't get along with my ex girlfriend...thats it.” 

“it's alot more serious than that evan.” vinny said quietly. 

“it's really not we broke up..”

“she cheated on you, she was constantly hurting you it's serious especially since you sorta implied…” vinny stopped, discomfort in his expression.

“what?” Evan prompted him, “what did I imply?” 

“evan, well it sounded like...did Jane force you to..”

“actually yknow what, we're done here.” Evan interrupted suddenly fearful. “ it's been fun but..”

“c'mon man….” Jeff sighed “It's just a question you can't just act afraid of us all the time.”

“I'm not afraid it's just none of your business.”

“ok maybe it isn't. It's not like we want to know that she did, but we're trying cus we don't want to hurt you accidentally since you're not going to tell us if we do.” vinny was insistent.

“you're not gonna hurt me so it's fine.” Evan retaliated, not ready to admit he was right.

“you don't know that and we don't know that.” 

“I am fine. Nothing that happened even bothers me man.”

“that's not true at fucking all.” Jeff huffed “she assaulted you.” 

“look it's just...not really...it's more complicated…”

“I don't think you'd say not really if she were a man or if someone else was telling this story.” Jeff shot back, agitated. 

“but it's not like that.” 

“she hurt you.”

“no she didn't.”

“why are you defending her.” Jeff huffed exasperated. 

“why are you attacking her.”

“this isn't something we just came up with evan, and it's not out of the ordinary for something she'd do. She used to hit you, and call you names in front of us.” vinny interjected firmly.

“well you didn't seem all that bothered about it then.” Evan shot back, immediately regretting it when he saw how guilty both of them looked.

“...what happened to not our business…” Jeff muttered and vinny shot him a look

“look we didn't….didn't know what to do then...so we're trying to do something now...i'm sorry really but please stop saying it's nothing. It clearly isn't…” 

“I can take care of myself vin. She's long since gone and so is my dad so it's just not worth gettin into.”

“I don't know why you can't use your head, that's not how trauma works.” Jeff snipped. “you don't just get over that kinda thing without help.” 

“maybe you don't know what the hell you're talking about. I don't need help.” 

“alright we're not here to argue.” vinny interjected, Being ignored immediately as if he hadn't said anything.

“fine if you wanna be miserable that's your choice I guess.” Jeff wasn't yelling, he didn't yell, but his tone was harsh.

“it sure fucking is.”

“I told you vin.” Jeff shook his head, bitter. “just fucking forget it. He doesn't want your help.” 

“I don't want yours either.” Evan scoffed. Jeff just threw up his hands and stormed out of the room. 

“god dammit evan.” vinny muttered, more to himself really but evan wasn't in the mood. 

“cool I'm going home.” 

“ev, no wait..” vinny sighed taking a step towards him.

“Don't ‘Ev’ me, I'm going home.” Evan backed away from vinny trying to get closer. “sorry for showin up like that. It won't happen again.”

“evan…”

But he was already halfway out the door. Jeff was sitting in vinny's living room and both of them refused eye contact or acknowledgement of the other. 

It wasn't the fight that upset him, petty squabbles were common and even when it was more serious they mostly would just avoid one another for a day or so and end up hanging out again later and apologizing. It was the fact that what Jeff had said, while a bit insensitive, was probably right. That he wasn't going to get better until he dealt with the problems, more than likely with another persons help. That was the main issue, that he'd have to talk to someone or go to therapy and he was firmly defiant of the idea. He was honestly scared, terrified even. He was afraid of getting close, of opening up truly to someone. He couldn't talk to vinny and Jeff, he knew too much about them to feel comfortable talking honestly. He was afraid they'd leave him.

His phone vibrated and he pulled it out of his pocket, scowled and put it back when he saw that it was vinny trying to text him. It probably would make him feel better to try and talk to vinny but it felt too soon after just leaving him. 

Home again he didn't know what to do with himself, a few hours of pacing around and sitting on the floor trying not to cry. Even his cats didn't help, though they came up and chirped at him sadly, they seemed to know when he was upset.

After a while his phone buzzed again and instead of ignoring it he sighed and picked it up. Vinny again, but this time Evan was calm, more inclined to talk to him. And in all honesty, he wanted some comfort. There were several messages he'd ignored, at some point vin had let up to give him some space, he sort of felt bad for ignoring him but he probably would have responded angrily which he didn't want. 

“Evan can we talk?” 

“I guess.”

“can I come over?”

“yeah. Not Jeff though.” He wasn't exactly ready to deal with Jeff, and figured he hadn't exactly cooled down yet either. He sighed sitting mostly motionless on the couch until vinny's soft knocking spurred him to stand and answer the door.

Vinny stood on his doorstep, rain soaking into his jacket and all over his glasses. 

“hey ev..” there was something gentle and sad in vinny's tone.

“hey, come in baby it's wet.” Evan murmured gently pulling him in by his hand. Not thinking he busied himself with making vinny comfortable despite the other trying to focus his attention on why he was here. 

“listen I'm really sorry..”

“here I'll put this up.” Evan pretended not to hear him and took his coat.

“well..thank you but..where are you going” vinny gestured confused as Evan headed upstairs.

“towel.” Evan said absently quickly going to grab one and going back to vinny wrapping it around his shoulders. 

“Evan...sit down and just..lets talk alright.” vinny placed his hands firmly on Evans shoulders stopping him from running off to some other distraction in a vain attempt to delay the inevitable. 

“...right..” Evan mumbled. Vinny led him back to his couch and sat down with him, hand on his shoulder. 

“look I'm sorry for earlier, I'm sure Jeff didn't mean it-”

“I'm sure he did.” 

“...well either way that's not what's important. I want to help, you need some help but you have to be willing to admit that.” 

“look i...really do get that I'm fucked up. I just don't need to tell other people about it cus it's not important anymore. And it doesn't feel good when they point it out.”

“I think you just don't want to.” vinny said quietly “are you afraid?” 

“...maybe.” 

“of what?” 

“i..i don't wanna be the guy who has daddy issues i don't wanna be the guy who let his girlfriend beat him up, i just don't wanna deal with that shit and I don't want people to think that's what I am.” 

“Evan it..happened to you, that's not part of you it's just...things that happened that you didn't deserve that hurt you. No one thinks that's who you are.” 

“i..it didn't...really hurt me.” Evan shifted around. “I'm fine, I can function I can keep living so what's the big deal.”

“evan, “ vinny sighed thinking for a moment. “remember when you broke your arm trying to get one of your cats off the roof? And I was going to take you to the hospital but you kept refusing and panicking and I had to force you. The only reason you ended up going was because you didn't have both arms to fight me with. The whole time you wouldn't speak and you didn't want to let any of the doctors or nurses near you. “

“what's your point.” Evan wasn't keen on reliving the shame of the experience any more than he had to. 

“my point is that's not really normal and clearly cus of that accident that you haven't been able to work through because you won't even acknowledge it happening.” 

“I don't know...i suppose..”

“are you mad at me?”

“no...i'm not i just...hate thinking of myself like that. Yknow like I'm weak or something.”

“you're not weak hun,” vinny rubbed his back 

There was a period of silence before vinny spoke again. 

“can..we talk about….everything?”

“yeah. Whatever you want.” Evan shrugged.

“don't...don't get mad or, defensive but...about jane..”

“what about her..” Evan sighed trying to do what vinny asked despite not wanting to even address the subject.

“well...i..i know you don't want to think of it like this but it really really sounds like she uhm, sort of forced herself on you..”

“you think she raped me.”

“well..well yeah…”

“look Vince i...i don't know.” Evan sort of winced. Vinny waited a moment before saying anything else. 

“it's just that it...it sounds very much like she did…you said she was angry at you for..for not enjoying the party and bothering her, and you said she told you that you owed her something.”

“sure but..” 

“did you want to? Did you already want to ..have sex with her before.”

“n..no i...i didn't but I mean..i didn't want to alot of the time so…” Evan bit his lip when he saw vinnys expression shift. 

“so it happened more than once?” he was clearly trying to stay calm but his face betrayed how sad he was. 

I mean...i guess so….i..it wasn't like that every time i just sort of...did it when she asked. She only got mad a few times.” 

“evan….”

“it's not...it doesn't matter it's my fault anyway.”

“how, how could it possibly be your fault. She made you evan.” 

“i said yes. I usually agreed..i said yes. She didn't even have to threaten me most of the time.” 

“if she forced you at all that's bad...and if you didn't want to and couldn't say no that's the same thing…” vinny swallowed, sounding like he wanted to cry. 

“maybe she forced me. Or...i don't know talked me into doin it but...i mean I still stayed with her an i still loved her so.. was kinda askin for it..”

“but why..why stay with her especially after that…”

“I loved her vince. I..i was clingy, I needed her. That and well...i wanted it to work. Nearly a year is a long fucking time, I wanted a long term kinda thing to work for me for once. I wanted someone to stay, I thought if I did everything perfectly than she would, if I told her yes she would, and I wouldn't feel like…” he stopped short, almost unwilling to finish.

“like what?”

“like...i'm not...not lovable. Like no one's ever going to stay. That I'm just stupid enough to keep getting my heart broken over and over cus people keep getting bored of me.” 

“that's not going to happen…people aren't getting bored of you.”

“It's happened every time so far.” Evan resented the bitterness in his own voice.

“it won't, and none of that makes what happened to you your fault. She didn't have a right to take advantage of you being insecure.”

“I don't know vin, even after I said yes to her all the time she still got bored and cheated on me and left.” they were quiet for a moment, Evan wallowing somewhat in the thoughts that he deserved to be hurt and he deserved to be left. 

“Do you think...me and Jeff are going to just leave you?” vinny asked quietly. 

“I try not to cus it just makes me feel bad but I mean...i expect you to eventually. I just try and enjoy it while it lasts and try not to think about how much it's gonna hurt.” 

“I'm not going to just leave Evan. I promise.”

“don't vin. You will, there's no point In promisin” Evan sighed shifting away from him Slightly.

“no, not everyone is going to hurt and disappoint you. Not everyone is just gonna leave….” vinny shifted, his face skewed with worry. “Evan I Love you, you're kind, you're loyal, you're beautiful and I love you I wouldn't just leave all that…” 

“there ain't no need to lie to me vin..”

“I'm not. Evan id never hurt you on purpose or make you do something that'll hurt you just because I wanted something. You deserve so much more than that.” vinny cupped his face so he would look up at him.

“vince…”

“none of that was your fault.” vinny was firm and Evan wasn't, trembling and wrapping his arms around him, the idea that he wasn't in the wrong had never really crossed him and now it was something of a relief, even if he had his doubts. Vinny insisting that it was true gave him something to latch onto. 

Evan was crying, hot and shameful and loud and vinny held him, rocking him back and forth rubbing his back kissing his head between soft words of comfort. 

“sorry…” Evan attempted to calm himself but vinny shushed him. 

“it's ok to cry baby,” vinny kissed his head again, pulling him closer to his chest. “I love you evan.” 

It was probably more than an hour were vinny just held and cuddled him, Evan had at some point stopped crying and now simply felt safe, somewhat numb, and a little embarrassed by his behavior. 

“are you ok?” vin asked when evan pulled away a bit to wipe his eyes, one hand lightly caressing his cheek. 

“I uhm...i guess so..for now.”

“do you still feel sick?” when Evan nodded vinny smiled gently. “how about some painkillers and juice?” Evan nodded again and vinny set him down on the couch and went to retrieve both. 

It was quiet again while Evan, still shaking a little, drank some orange juice and vinny gently rubbed his back and shoulders. 

“better?”

“a little..” 

“I think you should..consider getting some help. “ vinny suggested tenitively. “not because you're incapable but just...itll help make everything easier and it's..it's good for you…” 

“i..ill think about it.” Evan murmured. He didn't know exactly if he would or could but maybe vinny had a point. 

“hey, you wanna watch tv?” vinnys tone was light and Evan was sure he just wanted to help him relax. 

“yeah that..that'd be nice.”


End file.
